DEAR HARRIETTE: Do you think tough love is necessary?
Sometimes I can be a bit hard-headed and often have to learn things the hard way — especially with my love life.
I realize that to people around me who love and care for me, that process is probably frustrating, but for me, tough love never feels motivational. Instead, it makes me feel unheard and dismissed.
I am currently dating someone, and I don’t think he is the best person for me. I shared these sentiments with some close friends, and they started saying things like, “Girl, he hates you. Leave him,” “I don’t know what would possess you to stay” and “I would never be caught in a situation like that.”
I already acknowledged that I think I need to step away from this relationship, so I didn’t understand all the intense negativity toward me as an individual.
Is this supposed to toughen me up, or is it fair to say my friends were rude and insensitive?
— Judgmental Friends
DEAR JUDGMENTAL FRIENDS: The comments you just shared are absolutely judgmental and unkind, but you should ask yourself why your friends would resort to such strong statements in expressing their concerns about you.
Have you been in this situation before, where you knew you should leave and couldn’t do it? Their intensity may have something to do with your unwillingness to walk away when the moment called for it in the past.
Assess your behavior and theirs. Decide what you will do about this man. Finally, tell your friends that their harsh comments are more hurtful than helpful.
Ask them to be kinder, even if that means making no comments at all. You will still get the message.
DEAR HARRIETTE: Despite my disapproval, my brother is dating one of my close friends.
I don’t have anything negative to say about either of them individually, but I just prefer not to cross those lines where my separate worlds intertwine.
These types of scenarios make me fear ending up in the middle, and that is exactly what’s happened between my friend and brother.
They do not spare me any details; when they have trouble in paradise, I feel like I’m at the crossroads. One always comes to vent, and the other never fails to come to me with their concerns, asking for advice or asking if I know what the issue is.
How do I set hard boundaries — or get them both to date outside of my immediate circle?
— Stuck in the Middle
DEAR STUCK IN THE MIDDLE: Even if you attempted to require that your friends and family not date, it wouldn’t work, so save your breath.
What you can do is state clearly to them that you refuse to get involved in their relationship.
To back up your position, change the subject, walk away or hang up the phone when they start sharing too much, including their side of any argument.
Explain that you feel awkward and do not want to be in the middle. You love them both and will not take sides.
If you continue to cut off the conversation before it gets started, they will get the message.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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