Dear Eric: My husband and I (second marriage) had a disagreement earlier today, and I would love your help.
I admit I am particular about the items I purchase for my home, and I would like to help choose. We don’t need things very often, but I do like to give input on things before he buys them regarding color/style.
He buys tools and things he uses, and I am fine not being involved with that. But if it is something more decorative or a shared item for the kitchen, then I would like to be involved.
For example, he purchased a wall clock that I don’t like for the kitchen, a desk chair that is OK for the den, and a new frying pan.
I have not asked him to send anything back, but he will tell me he ordered something and he hopes I like it after the item is already on the way.
Today it was the frying pan. It’s brown and doesn’t match any other cookware. I asked him if I could, please, help next time. (I was home. He could have asked.) I know he doesn’t care about the aesthetics of items, but I do.
He says not being able to just buy something makes him feel he has no independence, and he was annoyed. I apologized for being particular, but I just like things that match my style.
I need to just let this go, right?
– Pouting After a Purchase
Dear Purchase: Yes, letting it go is going to help you both move forward. However, it’s perfectly reasonable to want him to collaborate with you on shared purchases.
His response indicates he feels he needs your permission, as someone who has more of an eye. And maybe that’s the dynamic. But if he doesn’t care about aesthetics, but knows you both need a new frying pan, for instance, what’s the harm of saying, “Do you like the way this one looks?”
You might tell him that you don’t mean to pass judgment on his purchases, and you really are just trying to create a visually cohesive living environment. From there you can both talk through how future purchases might be made in a way that keeps him feeling empowered and keeps you from having to look at a wall clock that you think is ugly whenever you want to know the time.
For some people, the style and aesthetics of the home is an extension of the stability and happiness of said home. Your style is important to you.
And because it’s important to you, it should be important, in a different way, to your husband. He can buy whatever he wants, whenever he wants. But when he does, he should take the opportunity to continue to build this home with you.
Dear Eric: I am a 47-year-old woman and was diagnosed with a rare terminal illness three years ago after several years of investigations.
I have a rough time frame of six to 10 years. I have no family and no close friends. The only person I see is my neighbor who is also my cleaner, but that’s the only time I see her.
I am totally alone, lonely and desperate and don’t know where to go or what to do.
– Need Company
Dear Company: I’m so sorry. The isolation you’re feeling and the illness you’re navigating likely make it very hard to feel hope. I’m glad you reached out.
Even though your illness is rare, you’re not alone in what you’re feeling, and it will help to share some of your emotional journey – the difficult and the good – with others who understand. Please look into support groups for people navigating life-threatening and terminal illnesses. Groups like these can also help foster friendships and help you feel less alone.
But your life is more than your illness, all-encompassing as it may be. Think about what you like to do – hobbies, causes you support, things you’ve always wanted to learn – and commit to exploring one or more of them. This might look like volunteering; it might look like taking a class online or in-person, if possible.
It’s important to affirm for yourself that what you care about or are curious about matters. And, by doing so, you’ll also come in contact with other people who share your interests and can help alleviate your sense of isolation.
I know this is an incredibly difficult time for you. So many of us struggle to overcome social isolation even without the added pain of a terminal illness. But this moment is not the end of the road for you. Please try one small option at a time – searching for a group, signing up for a class. Even the act of trying can help ignite a spark of hope.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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