Dear Eric: My sister is going through a divorce after 40 years of marriage.
It has been a long time coming, during which time I have seen her often berate her husband in front of family and friends for doing things the rest of us could not recognize. I’ve also seen her rage at my elderly mother who has breast cancer.
Now she has separated and set up her own place in another state from her husband. I went to visit her and tried to be supportive of her new life.
Over the holidays, I visited her husband because his home is on the way to where we were going to spend the holidays. He introduced us to his new girlfriend.
I had told my sister we would be stopping there but when she found out I met the girlfriend, she became enraged at me, saying I wasn’t supportive and should have told her ex that I was uncomfortable with meeting his girlfriend, which I was not.
She has been texting me since saying how disloyal I am and that she can’t talk to me.
I am so angry I just want to tell her to stop contacting me. However, we still have to talk regarding our mom, and I feel guilty knowing she is hurting, and I can’t help her out.
I can’t figure out how to go forward. I plan on giving her time but also am so angry I want to break contact with her. Really ruined Christmas and not a great start to a new year.
—Tired of Being Yelled At
Dear Tired: From your telling, your sister’s frustrations in life seem to often boil over into tirades. This is something she can work on in therapy or perhaps with medication. This may not be the ideal moment to bring that up but keep it in your arsenal. She could probably use some help.
For now, acknowledge that her anger is real and that your anger is also real. You don’t need to stay in contact through this, though.
Tell her you’re sorry that she was hurt by you meeting the girlfriend and that you’re going to give her some space, but that it’s important that you’re both able to talk through matters with your mom. This puts everything on the table. It communicates with her that you two need to stop talking about the situation with her ex while also setting a clear boundary around what you can and will be talking about.
Dear Eric: I will turn 65 in a few months and have announced my plans to retire.
I have a long list of things I want to do, and after 50 years of employment and saving, I am well situated for these next years. At least, that is what my financial adviser and balance sheets tell me.
I really yearn for more discretionary time, and my physical health tells me I need to get out from behind the desk.
My problem is that I am getting cold feet about leaving a paycheck behind. After a lifetime of saving, how do I let myself relax into just spending?
I know this is a good problem to have on the surface, but it really is torturing me. I need some words of wisdom to help me get to the other side. Can you help me?
– Undecided Plans
Dear Plans: There’s a version of yourself in the past who started on this journey of saving and planning with the hope that he would one day be in your shoes. And every time you/he struggled to get through a work week, perhaps you thought of this moment. So, congratulations, to you in the past and in the present. You did something incredible.
You know how sometimes you go on vacation but you’re not in the mood to vacation for a day or two? Unfortunately, we don’t have a relaxation switch. So, don’t try to force yourself to suddenly be in retirement mode if you’re not.
Make a plan for your days and your goals that’s realistic. You have time to get used to this new phase.
You’ve trusted your financial adviser thus far; when you start to feel anxious about leaving a check behind, reach out. “Remind me that I’m fine.” People do this with financial advisers all the time. It’s perfectly normal to need reassurance.
This is a transition, a big one. While it might seem like a phase of life that one would leap into happily, it’s right to acknowledge the complicated feelings around it, too.
You’re shifting the way that you live and breaking routines that you’ve had for decades. This is going to take some adjustment.
Give yourself space and time to feel that and the freedom to change course whenever you want.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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