Dear Eric: I am a young adult with a movement disorder similar to Parkinson’s. It causes uncontrollable, violent, jerky muscle movements, called dyskinesias, in nearly every part of my body.
These dyskinesias resemble the effects of illicit substances and can make people who don’t know me very uncomfortable.
How would you suggest I address this with people I interact with in passing (i.e., rideshare drivers, restaurant staff, home repair men) so they don’t feel unsafe around me?
– Always on the Move
Dear Move: While you’re under no obligation to disclose any information about your health to anyone and should be treated with respect no matter how you present, I understand the desire to make casual interactions more seamless. And I imagine that not having to wonder what strangers are thinking about you would probably reduce some anxiety.
This is a kind thing you’re doing for others. My concern is that you’re also prioritizing your own comfort. Being direct and giving context may be the best path for interactions with rideshare drivers, servers and the like. “I just want to let you know, I have a movement disorder and so I may move uncontrollably. Thanks for understanding.”
If there’s something you’d like for them to do to make the interaction easier, this is a good time to tell them, even if it’s just giving you more time or space.
Dear Eric: Last year, my family had three losses close together. We lost my brother and sister and an aunt, all in a three-month span. All of them have a birthday in February.
Do you have any suggestions on how to get through the month without being overwhelmed with sadness?
– Feeling Blue
Dear Blue: Start by taking each day as it comes. As this is the first February without those loved ones, you’re going to feel a range of emotions.
Try to be gentle with yourself, acknowledging, “This is the way I’m feeling today/right now.”
Some days you might feel the need to share how you’re feeling with someone else; other days you might just want to care for yourself. There’s no wrong way to do it. But holding the knowledge that what you’re feeling isn’t forever and it doesn’t all have to be dealt with right now will help to keep it from overwhelming you.
Think about ways that you can commemorate the birthdays, ways that are meaningful and healing to you. That may mean doing something that reminds you of your brother, sister or aunt. That may also mean gathering with others to share memories. It could also look like taking a walk in nature alone or with another person and being present with yourself and your emotions.
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to make it special or to commemorate the right way. It will be enough, no matter what.
And if a birthday goes by and you think of another way to commemorate it, it’s not too late. There’s no time limit on any of this.
I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing the pain of these losses. I know it’s hard. Grief is a process with no schedule, but it will change and your relationship to it will change every day.
Please seek out support from those you love, from a counselor, and/or from a grief support group, as well. Talk about where you are in the moment with those who can hold those feelings without rushing you.
Care for yourself as well in all this, so that this month is not just about a feeling of loss, but also about the lives you got to share in, lives that continue to enrich your own.
Dear Eric: I am a male and have been married and divorced twice.
My first wife and I had two kids. My second wife had four kids previously. I am still friends with everyone and see them semi-often.
My question is: What do I call my ex-stepkids, step-grandkids, step-nieces/nephews, etc. I don’t like ex, but I’m not married anymore. My second wife calls me her former husband.
– Exception
Dear Exception: How does “former” feel to you? As in “former stepkids,” et cetera? If it’s just the word “ex” that you don’t like, you can follow your second former wife’s lead.
However, depending on the context, I wonder if you have to worry about calling them anything at all besides their names. If you’re telling a friend about weekend plans, for instance, you might just say, “I’m seeing (ex-wife’s name)’s kids and grandkids on Saturday.” Or to a stranger, “I’m seeing some family friends.”
But if you’re most concerned with how to think of them, try forgoing official titles and simply think of them as your loved ones, which is what it sounds like they are.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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